Remembering my grandfather

My grandfather passed away three months ago but I am still in a kind of shock. I did not have any deep affiliations attached to him. He was just a relative. He was my father’s father. We left his home when I was seven year old. Here, people use to live in joint family, at least until my father’s generation. We used to visit his place twice a year, on both eids and rarely on a family gathering. I stopped visiting him in 2015, due to certain issues. In last four years I saw him just twice on family weddings. I never missed him all these years. On rare occasions his thought crossed my mind but it was just a passing thought. About two months before his death, I felt a strong urge to see him. I started thinking when would I pay a visit. I thought since it’s been four years we are not on speaking terms there should be a reason for my visit, of course for face-saving. I planned to see him on his birthday which was due in August 2020, but then I thought birthday is too far and I could not wait for that long. Then I planned to see him on New Year eve. That too was two months away but I could wait for that much. I thought that the reunion must have something special. So I collected a few photos and videos of his birth place. His birth place is in India. He migrated in 1947 after the independence of the subcontinent and partition of India from east Punjab to here in Pakistani Punjab. He belonged to pandori bibi village of Hoshiyarpur. He was a young boy at the time of migration. He turned 90 in 2019. He used to remember his home agricultural land and even his friends. He used to recount his migration, its hardships during the journey and his birthplace when we were kids. I thought he would love the photos and videos I collected. In one of the videos an old man remembers his pre-partition friends and he also particularly remembered my grandfather and his brothers. I also told his story of partition to my husband and he too watched the videos. But before that reunion he passed away. On his funeral I saw him after years and I still regret it. I regret that I should not have waited for the New Year eve. I should have gone to his house without waiting for a reason. His house is on walking distance from my apartment. We have a graveyard between our houses and he is now in one of the graves. I can never talk to him, or see him. All those videos are there unshared, unseen. I do not have the courage to either open that folder or even to delete it. Now I find myself watching his old photos which we used to capture on our childhood birthdays, result day etc. From years I never invited him on my birthday, I do not understand why I regret it now, I mean, usually the grown-ups do not invite grandparents on birthday parties. This year, as my birthday is getting nearer, I do not understand why I wish to invite him. I used to talk to him endlessly when I was a child, now I do not remember when I stopped talking to him. Roughly speaking I think I was 20 when we parted ways and with the passage of time all modes of communication lost between us. Now I want to talk to him but it is impossible. It is too late now and nothing can be done. Now I miss him so much but I don’t know whom to talk to about him. my husband does not have any interest in him and stories related to him, he acts like he is listening to every word I say but actually he lost it whenever I tried. My aunts start sobbing and sometimes even start crying upon mentioning his name in their presence. And I also got the response like you were never around how can you miss him. No one can ever understand how much I regret it now for not being around. Now all I can do is to regret. I just hope he is in a better place now and God will shower his blessings on him ever.